Xenophobia used to be called PATRIOTISM.

It isn’t easy being an Ugly American.  In fact - and despite whatever Graham Greene philosophy you may be familiar with - it takes practice.  The namesake of Pass the Salt well remembers this [then young] correspondent honing his skills in the jungles of a certain Caribbean nation while hiking to a sequence of waterfalls.   Interestingly enough, the subject included an American girl who, after spending several months “giving back to the world” via rum-drenched evenings and vitamin D-inspired afternoons, decided to do one over on the system and assimilate!  It seems spending a year unwittingly proving the veracity of dependency theory simply wasn’t enough; she needed to go the distance and marry, VISA (can this be a verb?), and support a real-live example in the good ol’ USofA.  In short, it was the sort of Ugly American field-training that only Kenny Powers and hindsight can truly appreciate:  She was a fucking goldmine…and I the miner.

Anyway, having been called “the most offensive person I’ve ever met” is something I’ll treasure for the rest of my life.  Who knows…maybe when I’m holding little John Galt, III in my arms it’ll slip into the periphery, but probably not.  It was a very inspiring moment for me.  In fact, there’s a real chance it was THE catalyst for my burning desire to informationally [?] illuminate the world in the way only a true, experienced Ugly American can.  Some of my preferred topics include:

1.     The United States deserves #1 status through breakfast superiority alone.  And it isn’t remotely close.

2.     True American sporting enthusiasts understand the colossal importance of soccer’s off-side rule.

3.     American Southerners are Yankees as much as Zulus are Xhosa.  It’s offensive and gross to confuse this.

4.     The NFL, however bombastic it may be, uses the most well-rounded, competitive league structure on the planet.

You see, I’m a firm believer that in order to be able to really appreciate how wonderful America is, you need to have gotten around a little.  We actually have TOO many options in the States…which I’ll leave alone for now because it deserves its own blog post.  Regardless, it’s important for you to understand that I love traveling.  I love trying new food, discussing local politics, admiring how radically different the world’s cultures are, and…probably most of all…encountering Travel Purists.  What is a travel purist, you ask?  A travel purist generally falls into two oftentimes non-mutually exclusive categories: 

1.      The Ferris – The beginning stage of the travel purist often finds the Ferris satisfying his/her own ignorance by muttering baseless vagaries such as “See, if only American did it like you all” or “That’s another reason I hate the States” or “The US causes most of the problems in the world.”  Oftentimes the Ferris feels it necessary to tie America to events in which it has no direct relationship; in other words, a prerequisite of Stage 1 Travel purism is the remarkably thorough use of the Logical Fallacy*.  For example, just the other weekend I was in a hostel discussing the amplification of the Panama Canal with an interesting mix of extranjeros.  (“Expansion” is probably a better word, but the direct translation is “amplification”…which I suppose does sound a little sexier.)  Anyway…while discussing the obvious worldwide economic benefits, a young lady [from the West Coast] declared quite rigidly (paraphrasing here) that the economic benefits – no matter how large - did not adequately balance the destruction to the environment: America never cares about the environment.  The ecosystem, through the draining of sections of Gatun Lake, she concluded, was being decimated.  Evidently lost in her supreme benevolence is (a) Gatun Lake is manmade and (b) Europeans and Panamanians are building the new locks…not the Americans (We’ve been gone more than a decade, sweetheart).  After asking her if she knew Gatun Lake was man-made she replied…”Still. Sloths are endangered, you know.”  Sigh.

2.     The Jimi – The developed stages of Travel Purism sees the Ferris begin to develop a discernible level of haughtiness.  Visiting is now “experiencing” and traveling is now “witnessing.”  The absolutely essential prerequisite in graduating from Ferris to Jimi is the development of THE superior travel philosophy…that is, if you do not travel in the same manner in which the Jimi travels, you are not fully experiencing everything the country has to offer, nor witnessing the richness of the culture.  You're basically a phoney.  A wannabe.  A TYPICAL AMERICAN.  In this stage, a certain level of arrogance is demonstrated that interestingly jives damn near perfectly with the Paradox mentioned below.  After all, isn’t arrogance the consummate sin of the World Police?  Either way, one time in Siem Reap…after exploring probably the most remarkable architectural complex I have ever seen, a Jimi informed me that traveling to Cambodia was probably not worth it unless you had enough time to experience the culture…at least several months.  “I mean, that’s the only way to really experience anything.”  #shootme.

So what is an Ugly American then?  Am I one?  Or are those that seek to escape the stereotype so aggressively and actually return full circle to its basic premises the true Ugly Americans?  Every country has its oddities.  Rather than run from them, we should learn to embrace them.  It's much more fun.  Especially when you're from the best country of all.  U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

…JG

*This in and of itself is fascinating to me.  One of the most widespread American stereotypes is that we, as Americans, believe everything came/comes from the States.  Thus, a Ferris reaching to tie America to events in which it has no direct relationship actually perpetuates one of the most fundamentally negative stereotypes in which he or she is so eagerly trying to escape.  A Paradox, indeed.